De-escalation Techniques That Really Work

During times of stress, emotions run high, and words are shared that would never be said, escalating into situations that would not otherwise occur. These situations are not always the result of a mental health or interpersonal crisis, but often they are, and often they do not end well, resulting in things becoming physically and emotionally unsafe. We can prevent this from happening by using simple-to-remember techniques to de-escalate the situation so it ends positively. Here are some techniques to use:

Understanding why this happens.

When people perceive a threat, real or imagined, their sympathetic nervous system activates, causing the body to be overwhelmed with stress hormones. This 'fight, flight, or freeze' response impairs the prefrontal cortex, limiting rational thought processes and increasing reactive behavior. In this state, people are unable to process complex information, which impairs their thinking and prevents them from making the best decisions. People often perceive statements and actions during this time as threatening, which makes them more prone to impulsive behavior. During this time, people's emotions start as anxiety, defensiveness, acting out (physically, verbally, and/or mentally), and potentially physical aggression. By using active listening, empathy, a calm demeanor, and patience, one can help someone move from speaking and acting impulsively to relaxing and calming themselves.

While there are some situations when verbal de-escalation techniques are not effective, like severe psychosis, severe alcohol or drug impairment, or when the use of weapons is present, most situations can be resolved by using the following de-escalation techniques.

Remain calm.

Even if you feel yourself getting nervous or upset, do your best to remain calm, no matter how upsetting the situation is becoming. Speak slowly, calmly, using simple sentences.

Do not make any sudden gestures.

Avoid using your hands or arms when talking to the person or coming near them. If you do walk towards the person, ask for permission and explain why you want to move closer. Any surprises will escalate the person further.

Use active listening techniques.

When actively listening to someone, you ensure the person feels heard and validated. Listen for any comments you might need to explore further. Sometimes people will answer a question with a question or provide a vague answer. An answer, 'I am happy, right now,' can mean that the person is often unhappy but just pretending to be happy while talking to you, so you leave them alone. It is a huge red flag warning sign when talking to someone whom you have concerns may be suicidal. The person may be happy because they finally made the decision to kill themselves, and they are at peace with the decision. If you are comfortable doing so and the person is comfortable with you making eye contact, make eye contact when talking to them. It helps if you know whether the person has any cultural differences that make eye contact feel uncomfortable or threatening. Do not look at your watch or phone, as the person will feel you do not care about what they are saying.

Validate the person's emotions without endorsing those that may be unrealistic.

When validating what the person is saying, use 'I' statements rather than 'You' statements, as 'You' statements can feel like you are blaming the individual or criticizing their statements or actions. 'You' statements often feel like a demand on the person receiving them. If the person makes statements that cannot possibly be real or true, do not laugh, criticize, or insist they think or do something else.

Offer choices. Work towards safe options.

In the worst-case scenario, you might have to contact law enforcement to help the individual get emergency medical or mental health services. Police officers can immediately frighten the individual, worsening the situation. Even voluntarily seeking mental health services is scary for most people. Offer safe, non-threatening, and, if possible, simple options for the person to seek help from others.

For everyone's safety, including your own, set responsible and reasonable limits.

You do not have to accept behaviors and potential actions that make you or anyone feel unsafe. You do not have to believe what they believe. However, do not argue any points with them or tell them that what they believe is wrong. Listen to them and, when appropriate, make suggestions while letting them know how concerned you are for their safety and, if applicable, your safety.

Silence can be golden.

Remember that silence is not a bad thing and should not make you or them feel uncomfortable. Silence in itself will de-escalate many situations. It allows everyone to stop and think, slow their breathing, and let their bodies slow their reflexes. Using silence prevents people from physical altercations.

Statements that De-escalate:

Use some of the following statements: 'I hear what you are saying.' 'Help me understand how you are feeling/what you are thinking about.' 'I am concerned about you.' 'I want to help you, so tell me what I can do to help.' 'What are you feeling/thinking about?' 'Can we try to work together to figure this out/find some help?' 'I have a couple of suggestions/thoughts that might help during this situation. Would you like to hear them?' 'We have a few options for you to think about.'

Statements that Escalate:

'Calm down.' 'Stop talking.' 'That's crazy talk.' 'That's crazy to think that. Those things are not real.' 'I don't care what you think.' 'We have to do this.' 'You need help.' 'Because I said so.' 'You always do that/say that/never do that/never say that.' 'You need to do this.' 'Don't think like that.'

Conclusion

De-escalation is a technique that requires empathy, emotional intelligence, and skills we can all learn to use effectively. While you can learn many techniques by reading what to do and what not to do, and what to say and what not to say, there is no better way to learn and improve your de-escalation techniques than through hands-on approaches such as role-playing or video-based learning. The best suggestion I can give everyone is to listen more than talk, and listen to understand what they are saying and feeling. Do not listen just to make the person think you care. Even when you do not know what to say, listening to someone shows how much you care. Your silence can really speak louder than any words.